My Best Gift Ever

When I was seven， I knew a girl who was as old as I. Her house was in front of mine， so we could play together every day and we became very good friends. But five years later， she left for the US with her parents. We were both sad， and I told her to send me letters after she got there. But as time went on， she didn't write to me.

　　Last year， just before the （1） Christmas Day， I received a big card， on which was a beautiful drawing， and the colour was very bright. I recognized that it had been drawn by her. On [the] （2）back was a letter：

　　“Dear Zhang Fan，

　　You must wonder why I didn't write to you. In the following year after I got to the US， I lost my eyes in a[an] （3）accident. I became blind！ I was so shocked that I believed I had lost everything of mine. I cried every day and I didn't want to do anything. You know， I like [liked] （4） drawing. In those days， I didn't draw a picture until I met Mrs. Green， my family teacher. She told me that although I had lost my eyes， I still had a heart. I could feel the world by heart. Then she encouraged me to draw again. When I want to draw something， I feel it with hands， think what colour it is， and then I draw it by heart. The drawing I send to you is the lake beside my house. Isn't it beautiful？

　　I hope that when you meet with difficulty， you won't be sad； feel it by [with] （5）your heart， and you can succeed.

　　Merry Christmas！ “

　　Handing the card[With the card in my hand] （6）， I thought for a long time. Then I laid it on my table. I will keep it for ever， and I will do as what she said [she said]（7）： feel the world by [with my] （8）heart！

　　南京師大附中 張 帆

　　評語

　　這是一篇命題作文，作者在故事展開上下了不少功夫，從姑娘“失信”沒有及時寫信，到後來明白姑娘遭遇到不幸以及最後重點突出姑娘戰勝傷殘的勇氣，一環釦一環，寫得很動人。文章中某些語言上的不足之処點評如下：

　　（1）在不強調某一年的 Christmas Day時，前麪一般不必加定冠詞。

　　（2）特指賀卡的背麪，back前要加上定冠詞。

　　（3）accident是元音音素開頭，不定冠詞用an.

　　（4）爲保持敘述時時態自然連貫，故改爲liked.

　　（5）可以說by heart，但 heart前用了特指詞，宜將 by改爲郃適的介詞。類似情況又如：go by car和 go in my car.

　　（6）句中hand用作動詞，語義似與上下文不符，故改之。

　　（7）原句中的what是多餘的。

　　（8）by改爲with較好。