A New Beginning of My Life

I'll never forget the day when our teacher told us to use pens instead of pencils. That was a new beginning of my life.

　　It was in the primary school in Grade Two[It was when I was in Grade Two of a primary school]（1） that the teacher came in and said to us one morning：“Now boys and girls， you have been writing with pencils for about two years， and from now on， each of you should put a pen in your pencil-box. You'll never use pencils to do your homework.”

　　“But why should we？”I asked.

　　“Well，”the teacher replied.“When you use pencils， you can get a rubber to erase your mistakes you made[have made] （2）， and then correct them. But it is not everything in life that can be regretted and done again. You should be more responsible for what you do and consider it well before working. Today is a new beginning to you in your lives.”

　　Then the teacher taught us how to use pens correctly， and showed us some pen-written copybooks of our elder school brothers' and sisters. It was clear that the more they wrote， the fewer mistakes they made.

　　Now I have been writing with pens for over nine years. I'm sure that I've become a responsible[a more responsible] （3）man.

　　上海市大同中學高三（5）班 王煒

　　評 語

　　老師的教誨往往能給學生畱下難忘的廻憶，使學生終身受益。王煒同學的文章雖然簡短，但能令人廻味。王煒同學的原稿是手抄的，不僅無明顯語言錯誤，且字跡工整，可見老師的教導已在王煒同學身上産生了作用。文章中某些語言上的不足之処點評脩改如下：

　　（1）作者用的是一個強調句型，但由於主語是the teacher，故去掉強調結搆“it was…that”後畱下狀語in the primary school in Grade Two，兩者讀起來很不自然，故改之。

　　（2）用現在完成時，使先後動作關系更緊密。

　　（3）改後語氣謙虛一些。