Mid

It was the Mid-autumnFestival.

　　When I was enjoying the beautiful moonlight.[I was enjoying the beautiful moonlight from the school building when] （1） I heard loud voices from the sixth floor.

　　On the sixth floor of the building in our school （2）， there is an observatory（天文台）， but it opens only on special occasions. I'm interested in astronomy（天文學）， so I have always been very eager to enter it.

　　Wondering whether it would be open tonight， I decided to go upstairs to have a look.

　　There， I saw a teacher talking with the students of Grade One， but the observatory wasn't open. The teacher said that the clouds had covered [were covering] （3） the moon and when the moon came out again he would let us go into the observatory and observe the moon.

　　The winds were blowing and the clouds were floating. I waited and waited， but the moon didn't come out. She was like a shy girl playing hide-and-seek（捉迷藏）with us.

　　More than half an hour passed by （4）。 I was about to leave when the teacher shouted excitedly.“Look！”

　　A bright moon was hanging in the black sky.

　　“Shall we go inside？”The teacher said cheerfully.

　　“Great！”

　　He opened the door to the observatory. A large white telescope was in the centre of the room. The teacher went toward the wall and pressed a button. The hemispheric（半球形）roof of the observatory turned around and a window of the roof was opened. The sky was just above us. I was so curious and excited that I couldn't say a word.

　　The teacher adjusted（調節）the telescope and then asked me to come up to it. I felt a little nervous because I never used [had never used] （5） it before. Seeing this， the teacher taught me how to use the telescope correctly. After a while， I had been enjoying [began to enjoy] （6） the mysterious（神秘的）space.

　　I observed the moon carefully and found it less beautiful than I thought it should. It looks [looked] （7） silver-grey through the telescope. There is [was] （8） not a single living thing on it but all kinds of holes and round mountains here and there.

　　Time went by quickly. An hour had passed before I realized it. I had to leave the“moon”and the teacher.

　　“You are welcome to this observatory all the time.”

　　I could find no other words to express my thanks to the teacher， but to say，“I will never forget tonight's moon——this Mid-autumn Festival Moon.”

　　上海市高橋中學高三（5）班 唐錚

　　評 語

　　本文記載的是一次難得的中鞦觀月經歷。文章先寫自己如何渴望進天文台，爲以後盼望月出時的焦急心情和被允許進入天文台觀月時的激動打下伏筆，文章突出用天文望遠鏡觀月的重點，語言運用基本正確。不足之処主要是時態把握還不夠熟練。文章中某些語言上的不足之処點評脩改如下：

　　（1）原文在沒有提到學校大樓的情況下，寫到the sixth floor，令人難以理解，故改之。另外用“……過去進行時……when 一般過去式”句型來表示“在……動作背景下發生……”更爲生動。

　　（2）前文改後，這裡斜躰部分of the building in our school可省去。

　　（3）原文過去完成時用得不對，應該用過去進行時，表示此刻正在發生的事。

　　（4）表示時間的流逝，by是不必要的。

　　（5）這裡應該用過去完成時。

　　（6）這裡沒必要用過去完成進行時。

　　（7）、（8）盡琯作者想表示自己所看到的是一般事實，但畢竟是個人的一次經歷，還是用一般過去時爲好。