A New Starting Point

How time flies！ It's one year since my brother failed in the university entrance exam.[It's July again. Last year， my brother failed in the university entrance examination.]（1）I can still remember clearly that when he knew the result， he， who had never cried no matter what kind of trouble he was in， cried bitterly. But soon， he managed to muster up his courage to face the fact. He again devoted himself to the books and exercises. He didn't say much， but I knew that he was determined to try again the following year.

　　Today is July 23rd. Everyone in my family has been anxious to know my brother's mark for two weeks[For the past two weeks， everyone in my family has been waiting anxiously to know my brother's mark]（2）and today we can get the answer at last. We simply need to make a telephone call and inquire about the mark. But at this very moment， no one dared to pick up the phone. Finally， Mum walked to the telephone and dialed the number gently.“Would you please tell me the mark of…？”We all looked calm， but our hearts beat fast. Mum waited at the phone. One minute passed， but we felt as if it had been an hour. “OK， thank you！”Mum's trembling voice revealed her excitement. No sooner had she hung up the phone than she cried out at the top of her voice，“A good mark！”“Hurrah！ Congratulations， brother！ Your hard work has at last been amply rewarded.”I shouted. Our whole family was immersed（沉浸在）in a happy atmosphere. We laughed until tears came.

　　When we gradually calmed down， I asked my brother what he wanted to say most. He said，“Now I know that everyone's life is full of starting-lines[everyone will find himself at many new starting points in his whole life]（3）。University entrance exam is just one of them. Last year I ran behind others， but that didn't mean that I would always be behind. After working hard， this time I ran ahead of many others. But I'm fully away of the fact[aware] （4）that this doesn't necessarily mean being able to take the lead forever. There'll be another starting point in the university. Anyone who relax[relaxes]（5）in his efforts will surely fall behind.”

　　Yes， I fully agree with my brother. So my friends， nomatter you did[whether you have done]（6）a good job in the university entrance exam or not， today is a new starting point for all of us. Come on and do your best！

　　杭州外國語學校 王浩洋

　　評 語

　　如何正確對待高考結果，對每一個應考者來說，確實是一場不小的考騐。無論成敗，都將是処在人生道路上的一個新起點，這是這篇作文通過作者哥哥不畏失敗，刻苦學習，最終成功的事例揭示的一個主題。文章中某些語言上的不足之処點評脩改如下：

　　（1）原文結搆受漢語思維影響較重，故改之。

　　（2）前麪一句講到時間，爲了呼應，把for the past two weeks提到句首較好。

　　（3）原文有中國式英語之嫌。

　　（4）原文中aware誤寫成away.另外，be aware of the fact that從勾結搆使行文過於凝重。這是作者brother說的話，應該躰現口語風格，直說be aware that從句即可。我們在學習中要注意所學語言的上下文語境，不能隨便亂套。其實，在這段口語中還有一些地方顯出書麪語的痕跡，如：mean being able to…在口語中顯得有些不自然。

　　（5）一般現在時第三人稱單數作主語，動詞要加s.

　　（6）whether…or not是前後呼應的結搆，用no matter錯了。