The lure of wordiness

So many of us are so used to padding our writing that it's hard even to imagine how to cut the fat. Writing to required page lengths is one of the reasons many writers are good at wordiness. Another reason, as we have seen, is that wordiness can serve as a kind of camouflage to reduce one's visibility. Sometimes, though, wordiness just seems to happen…… Here's an all-too typical example from a corporate technical manual. The passage specifies the protocol for tracking changes in an accounting system:

　　To ensure that the new system being developed, or the existing system being modified, will provide users with the timely, accurate, and complete information they require to properly perform their functions and responsibilities, it is necessary to assure that the new or modified system will cover all necessary aspects of the present automated or manual systems being replaced. To gain this assurance, it is essential that documentation be made of the entities of the present systems which will be modified or eliminated.
　　Thanks to Janet Jesmok, University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.

　　Revising this isn't easy. For one thing, what information can be dispensed with, and what should be preserved? Is it important, for instance, to note that information should be"timely, accurate, and complete"? Or is this obvious from the context? There's no absolute right answer. It depends on what your own voice is, and what your readers expect. Here's one possible revision that maintains a fairly formal tone:

　　To ensure that users have all the information needed to do their jobs, the new system must preserve the present system's critical functions. Therefore, all modifications to the present system must be documented.

　　Here's a slightly less formal version:

　　Make sure to document all changes to the current system, so that all original functions can be recovered if necessary.

　　And here's yet one more version:

　　Make sure to document all changes to the current system, so any mistakes can be corrected.

　　Any of the revisions reads much better than the bloated original.

　　Remember: Concision is a constant battle. The keys are to build around strong verbs, prefer the active voice to the passive voice, be suspicious of adverbs, and toss out empty words and phrases.

www.nutsandbolts.com